Not Out and About: A Personal Glimpse Into the Closet

By: Anonymous

I’m bisexual…or gay. I’m not quite sure yet but I am definitely not straight. The realization for my lack of heterosexuality came around towards the end of eighth grade. It didn’t come around from day to night, I never woke up and thought, “Wow I’m not straight.” The awareness came slowly, creeping into my consciousness. It began with questioning myself: What if I’m not completely 100% straight? Do I like girls? Do I like both boys and girls? Along with the questioning came the fear of being rejected by my friends. Then the fear of my parents finding out scared the daylights out of me.

So I carried my secret for almost two weeks before coming out to my closest friends. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. They were proud and happy I’d found peace within my so-called angsty teenage soul. Although being openly bisexual at school was all rainbows (get it because I’m gay) and sunshine, at home it was like walking on thin ice. I live in a household in which being gay is wrong, immoral, and just “not right” for lack of better terms. I have to be cautious with what I say and how I act and dress so no one becomes gets suspicious. It’s like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not. There have been times where my mom tells me that she’d be disappointed in me if I were to ever “decide” to be a lesbian. But it’s not a “choice” and that’s so hard for people to understand. I don’t “choose” to be like this, I just am. And there’s nothing wrong with being who I am.

I get asked all the time if I’m planning on coming out to my parents and the answer is always a fast “no not ever.” It hurts, it’s not like I don’t want to, because they’re my parents and your parents are supposed to be the people you trust the most, right? Friends of mine have tried convincing me to come out to my family. I often hear the phrase, “They’ll accept you because they’re your family.” Sure, that COULD apply to someone else, but just not to me. Growing up in a homophobic environment doesn’t make this process any easier for me. Sometimes I still cry about not being able to be 100% myself around my family.

And yeah, it’s hard, but I have friends that are like family to me, people I can trust with anything, the kind of people that accept me for who I am regardless of my sexuality. With the help of these friends, I’m learning to accept myself and love myself for who I am, and that’s all that matters to me.

One Comment Add yours

  1. Anon says:

    Hi. I can relate closely to how you feel.
    I’ve heard about people being surprised by how their family reacts to them coming out — they open their eyes and begin to educate themselves because now it’s important that they reconsider their views. They may even get to the point where they want to get “involved” in their kid’s love lives, in the annoying yet supportive way that parents normally do.
    As we know, though, it’s always a gamble. So it’s fine and absolutely up to you if you want to keep this part of your life away from your parent’s wrongful judgment, especially if you think the odds aren’t in your favor. At the moment this is where I am.
    But there is another thing I know and that I’d like to add, and I hope you keep in mind whether you come out or not: Your parents don’t own you. You aren’t some controlled experiment they get to manipulate however they want. I can’t think of anyone, even heterosexual, who is 100% of what their family hoped they’d be. This is a harsh truth many parents still have yet to learn — that you are not a carbon copy of them, but a brand new person with a brand new design, and yours is one that is intelligent, tolerant, and wonderful.
    Also, if you know that it’s religion that is holding your parents back, remind them that it is not their place to judge; that’s the job of the one they think is telling them these things. You are neither unnatural nor sinful because of who you love, because if you were, God or whoever would not have made you to be so awesome. Fabulous, if you will.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *